Texting Your Ex About Divorce, Custody or Money: What to Say
Quick answer: Keep every message short, factual, polite and firm, and write it as if a judge will read it, because one might. Stick to one topic, give dates and clear options, and never discuss feelings, blame or your case strategy. If a lawyer is involved, ask them what you can and can't say before you send anything.↗ Share on X
When you text your ex about a legal matter — divorce, custody, child support, a shared lease, a house or a debt — write every message as if a judge will read it, because one might. Keep it short, factual, friendly and firm. Cover one topic per message, give dates and clear choices, and leave out feelings, blame and anything about your case strategy. If either of you has a lawyer, ask yours what you can say before you send anything.
*This article is general information, not legal advice. Laws are different in each country and state. For anything that affects custody, money or property, talk to a family law attorney or a legal aid office where you live.*
Below you'll find a simple method, ready-to-use templates and a list of things you should never put in writing.
Why are texts about legal matters different?
Texting Your Ex When You Share Friends: What to Say First →
Your Ex Asked You for Advice After No Contact: What to Do →
How to Text Your Ex When You Share Bills and Money →A normal text to an ex can be a mistake you regret. A text about a legal matter can be evidence. In many places, messages are used in court to show who was reasonable, who agreed to what, and how each parent communicates.
That changes the goal. You're not trying to win the argument or make them understand how you feel. You're trying to:
- get a clear answer on a practical question,
- create a calm, written record,
- avoid saying anything that hurts your case.
Every message you send should pass one test: "Would I be comfortable if a judge read this out loud?"
Relationship advice that actually helps, in your inbox
What is the BIFF method, and how do you use it?
BIFF is a simple way to write hard messages. It was created by Bill Eddy, a lawyer and therapist who works with high-conflict divorces. BIFF stands for:
| Letter | Meaning | What it looks like |
|---|---|---|
| B | Brief | 2 to 5 sentences. One topic. |
| I | Informative | Facts, dates, amounts, options. No opinions. |
| F | Friendly | A polite opening or closing. "Thanks," "Hope your week is going OK." |
| F | Firm | A clear request or deadline, so the conversation doesn't drag on. |
Before (not BIFF):
You ALWAYS do this. You knew I needed the car seat on Friday and you just ignored me like usual. Typical. My lawyer is going to love this.
After (BIFF):
Hi. For Friday's pickup at 5 pm, please send the car seat with Mia. If that doesn't work, let me know by Thursday at noon and I'll pick it up from your place at 4. Thanks.
Same problem. The second message gets an answer, and it looks good if anyone else reads it.
What should you never put in a text to your ex?
The First Text After No Contact: 9 Mistakes to Avoid →
Your Ex Wants Another Chance: What to Say Before You Answer →
9 Signs You Are Texting Your Ex After No Contact Wrong →Avoid these, even if you're angry, even if they started it:
1. Insults, sarcasm or name-calling. They make you look like the problem.
2. Threats, including "you'll regret this" or "I'll take the kids."
3. Talk about your case strategy, what your lawyer said, or what you plan to ask the court for.
4. Admissions you haven't discussed with your lawyer, like "I know I missed some support payments" or "Fine, keep the house."
5. Agreements on big issues by text — custody schedules, selling property, support amounts — without your lawyer's review. A casual "OK" can be used later as proof you agreed.
6. Messages about your new partner, or questions about theirs.
7. Anything sent through the children ("tell your dad…").
8. Texts sent late at night or after drinking. Write a draft, wait until morning, then reread it.
9. Long emotional paragraphs. They invite long emotional replies.
What can you safely text about?
Generally, practical and logistical topics are fine to handle in writing, especially if you keep them neutral:
- pickup and drop-off times and places
- school events, doctor appointments, activities
- a child's health or a change in medicine
- confirming dates that were already agreed
- sharing documents your lawyer has asked you to send
- bills that need to be split on a shared account or lease, with amounts and due dates
If the topic is going to be decided by a court or a signed agreement, it usually belongs with your lawyer or in mediation, not in a text thread.
Ready-to-use templates
Change the names, dates and details. Keep the tone.
Schedule change request
Hi. Is it OK if I pick up Sam on Sunday at 6 pm instead of 4 pm this week only? My flight lands at 4:30. Please let me know by Friday. Thanks.
Confirming what was agreed
Hi. Just confirming what we agreed on the phone today: you'll have the kids on the 24th from 10 am to 6 pm, and I'll have them on the 25th. Let me know if I've got anything wrong.
Shared bill or lease
Hi. The electricity bill for the apartment is $96, due on March 12. Our agreement says we split it 50/50, so your part is $48. Can you send it by March 10? Thanks.
Asking for a document
Hi. My attorney needs a copy of the 2025 tax return for the paperwork. Could you email it to me by the 15th? Thank you.
When they bring up the case
I'd rather not discuss the case over text. Please have your attorney contact mine. Happy to keep talking about the kids' schedule here.
When they send something angry
I got your message. About your question: yes, Ana's dentist appointment is Tuesday at 3 pm. I'll take her.
Notice that the last one answers only the factual part and ignores the rest. You don't have to reply to insults.
Should you use texts, email or a co-parenting app?
Each option has pros and cons:
| Channel | Good for | Watch out for |
|---|---|---|
| Text | Quick logistics, same-day changes | Easy to send in anger; messages can be deleted on one side |
| Longer details, documents, bills | Slower; still keep it short | |
| Co-parenting app | A full record that can't be edited, shared calendar, expense tracking | Usually has a fee; both people need to use it |
Apps such as OurFamilyWizard, TalkingParents or AppClose are made for separated parents. Some courts order parents to use one. Ask your lawyer if one is recommended in your area. Many people find that having a neutral "official" channel calms things down.
How should you keep a record?
Even if things are calm right now, protect yourself:
1. Don't delete anything, even messages you regret. Deleting can look bad.
2. Take screenshots that show the date, time and the other person's name or number.
3. Back them up to a cloud folder or email them to yourself.
4. Keep a short log of important events: missed pickups, late payments, what was agreed. Date, time, what happened. Facts only.
5. Give copies to your lawyer if they ask. Don't post anything on social media.
What if a message makes you feel unsafe?
If your ex sends threats, won't stop messaging after you've asked them to, or you're afraid for yourself or your children:
- Don't reply to the threat.
- Save every message.
- Tell your lawyer right away. Courts can order protection or limit contact.
- If you're in danger, call your local emergency number.
- In the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) offers free, confidential help.
Your next step
Before your next legal message, open your notes app and write the draft there, not in the text thread. Check it against BIFF: is it brief, factual, friendly and firm? Remove anything about feelings, blame or your case. Then wait at least an hour, reread it with the question "Would I be OK if a judge read this?", and only then send it. If the topic is custody, support or property, send it to your lawyer first.
FAQ
Can text messages with my ex be used in court?
In many places, yes. Texts are often used as evidence in divorce, custody and property cases. Rules differ by country and state, so ask a family law attorney where you live.
Should I text my ex directly if we both have lawyers?
Ask your lawyer first. Some lawyers prefer that all legal topics go through them, and parents may still text about daily child logistics. Never try to negotiate the case yourself without their advice.
What if my ex keeps sending angry messages?
You don't have to answer the insults. Reply only to the factual question, once, in a calm way. Save everything. If messages become threats or harassment, tell your lawyer and, if you feel unsafe, contact the police.