How to ask your ex for a recommendation letter by text

Quick answer: Keep the message short, polite, and professional. Mention the purpose clearly, give a deadline, and thank them upfront. Avoid emotional words or old stories.↗ Share on X

Why texting your ex works for a recommendation letter

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Many people feel nervous about asking an ex for help. But a recommendation letter is a professional request, not a personal one. Your ex already knows your skills and character. A text message is often the easiest way to ask because it gives them time to think and respond.

I once asked a former manager for a letter after we stopped working together. I sent a short text and got a positive reply within a day. The key was being clear and respectful. No long stories, no apologies for past issues. Just a simple ask.

Texting works because:

• It’s low-pressure for both sides.
• It lets them respond when they’re ready.
• It keeps the conversation professional.

What to say in your text (scripts that work)

Your message should be short, polite, and direct. Avoid small talk or emotional words. Here are three scripts you can use or adapt.

Script 1: Simple and direct

Hi [Name], I hope you're doing well. I’m applying for [job/scholarship/program] and need a recommendation letter. Would you be comfortable writing one for me? I can send details if needed. Thanks for considering.

Script 2: With a deadline

Hi [Name], I hope life is good. I’m putting together my application for [position] and need a letter of recommendation. Could you write one by [date]? I’d be happy to share the job description or any details you need. Thank you for your time.

Script 3: If you worked together

Hi [Name], I’ve been thinking about our time working together on [project]. I’m applying for [opportunity] and need a recommendation letter. Would you be able to write one for me? Let me know if you need any information from me.

Pick the script that fits your situation. If you haven’t spoken in years, use Script 1. If you worked closely, Script 3 feels natural.

How to make your request feel easy for them

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People are more likely to say yes if the task feels simple. Give them clear steps to follow. This reduces their mental effort and increases your chances of a positive reply.

Include these details in your text:

• The purpose of the letter (job, scholarship, program).
• A clear deadline (even if it’s flexible).
• Any specific points they should mention (if relevant).
• A thank-you upfront.

Example:

I’m applying for a master’s program in [field]. The letter should highlight my skills in [X] and [Y]. Could you write it by [date]? I’d be happy to share the program details or my resume if that helps.

This shows respect for their time and makes the task feel manageable.

What to avoid in your text

Some words or phrases can make your ex feel uncomfortable or guilty. Avoid these common mistakes:

• Apologizing for past issues: "I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us."
• Being overly emotional: "I really miss our team days."
• Asking for too much: "Could you also help me with my resume?"
• Using vague language: "I need a letter someday."

Keep your message focused on the request. If they feel pressured or emotional, they’re less likely to say yes.

When to send the text (timing matters)

Timing can affect their response. Send your text when they’re likely to be relaxed and not busy. Avoid early mornings, late nights, or right before holidays.

Best times to send:

• Tuesday to Thursday, between 9 AM and 12 PM.
• Avoid Mondays (people are often busy catching up).
• Avoid Fridays (they might be thinking about the weekend).

If you’re unsure, send it during their usual working hours. Most people check texts within a few hours.

How to follow up if they don’t reply

If they don’t respond within 3 to 5 days, send a polite follow-up. Keep it short and don’t assume they’re ignoring you.

Example:

Hi [Name], just checking if you had a chance to see my request for a recommendation letter. No rush at all—let me know if you need anything from me. Thanks!

If they still don’t reply after the follow-up, it’s best to move on. Don’t send a third message. Respect their silence.

What to do if they say no

A "no" is not a personal rejection. It just means they don’t feel comfortable or don’t have time. Stay polite and thank them for considering your request.

Example reply:

Thank you for letting me know. I completely understand. If you change your mind, I’d still appreciate it.

Then, ask someone else. Don’t argue or guilt-trip them. A professional relationship should end with respect.

What to do if they say yes

If they agree, send a thank-you message and follow up with details. Give them everything they need to write a strong letter.

Example:

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your help. I’ll send you the job description and my resume by [date]. Let me know if you need anything else.

If they ask for more information, provide it quickly. The faster you respond, the faster they can finish the letter.

Handling awkwardness or old feelings

It’s normal to feel a little awkward, especially if the breakup was emotional. But remember: this is a professional request. Treat it like you would with a colleague or mentor.

If old feelings come up, focus on the task. Think of the letter as a tool to help your future, not a way to reconnect. Stay calm and keep your message neutral.

Example of staying neutral:

I’m excited about this opportunity and think your perspective would be valuable.

This keeps the conversation on track and avoids unnecessary emotions.

Alternative ways to ask if texting feels too hard

If texting feels too personal, consider other ways to ask:

• Email: More formal, but still easy to ignore if they want.
• LinkedIn message: Professional and less personal than texting.
• A mutual friend: Ask if they’d be comfortable passing along your request.

Choose the method that feels right for you. The goal is to make it as easy as possible for them to say yes.

What to do after you get the letter

Once you receive the letter, send a thank-you message. Acknowledge their effort and keep the relationship professional.

Example:

Thank you again for writing my recommendation letter. I really appreciate your support. I’ll let you know how the application goes!

If you get the job or the scholarship, consider sending a quick update. This keeps the door open for future professional connections.

Common mistakes that ruin your chances

Even small errors can make your ex hesitate. Avoid these:

• Being too vague: "I need a letter someday." → Give a clear purpose.
• Not giving a deadline: They won’t know when to finish it.
• Asking for too much: "Can you also edit my resume?" → Keep it to one request.
• Using emotional language: "I really need this for my future." → Stay professional.

Double-check your message before sending. Clarity and respect go a long way.

Real stories: What worked and what didn’t

I’ve seen people succeed and fail with this request. One friend asked her ex-boss via text. She gave a clear deadline and thanked him upfront. He wrote the letter the same day.

Another person sent a long message full of apologies and old stories. The ex didn’t reply for weeks. The lesson? Keep it short and professional.

The difference was in the approach. One message felt like a favor. The other felt like a burden.

Final checklist before you hit send

Before you send your text, check this list:

• [ ] Is the purpose clear? (job, scholarship, program)
• [ ] Did you include a deadline?
• [ ] Did you thank them upfront?
• [ ] Did you avoid emotional or personal details?
• [ ] Is the message short and easy to read?

If you answered yes to all, hit send. You’ve done your best.

What to do if they agree but never send the letter

Sometimes people say yes but forget. If the deadline passes, send a polite reminder.

Example:

Hi [Name], just checking in about the recommendation letter. The deadline is [date]. Let me know if you need anything from me to finish it.

If they still don’t send it, ask someone else. Don’t chase them. Respect their time and move on.

Should you offer to write it yourself?

Some people offer to draft the letter for their ex to edit. This can be helpful if they’re busy, but only if they agree first. Never write it without asking.

Example:

If it helps, I can draft something for you to review. Let me know if you’d like that.

This gives them control and makes the task easier for them.

Frequently asked questions

What if my ex says no?

Say thank you and move on. A no is not personal. Ask someone else who knows your work better.

Should I remind them if they forget the letter?

Yes, but only once. Send a polite reminder if the deadline passes. If they still don’t send it, ask someone else.

Can I ask my ex for a letter if we had a bad breakup?

Yes, but keep the message very professional. Focus only on the request. Avoid mentioning the past.

What if they ask for details I don’t have?

Offer to send what you can. If they need more, say you’ll do your best to provide it. Don’t overpromise.

Is it okay to send a follow-up if they don’t reply?

Yes, after 3 to 5 days. Keep it short and polite. Don’t assume they’re ignoring you.